O Brother, Where Art Thou?
by Echante
Summary: Derek, Mark and Alex are best friends. They have one flaw... they like to get drunk sometimes. Total Crack!fic.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this can only be considered crack! fic because I wrote it when I came home from a party (which i meant to stay the night at but randomly decided oh! let's go home... what an idiot.) so I may have been slightly buzzed at the time...

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There once lived, upon that old rotting hill, three best friends: Derek, Mark, and Alex. Now they were a decent bunch, they tipped their hats at old ladies and went out of their way to avoid stepping on cats' tails, unlike the Williamson brothers who caused quite a ruckus in their annual cat de-capping jamborees. No, Derek, Mark and Alex did not have these flaws. In fact, they had very little in the flaw department except for one tiny thing which they all shared: they liked to drink, and when they did; it was not pretty.

**The One Where they rob a bank.**

They gain a certain diabolical sense to their personas when they are drunk, it's weird, but their reasoning behind this particular adventure went something like this.

Alex: We're out of beer.

Derek: Where does beer come from?

Alex: We're out of beer.

Mark: Dude. Beer is horse shit.

Derek: It is not!

Alex: We're out of beer.

Mark: Think about it, cows can shit milk, why not beer?

Derek: But cows already shit milk, so wouldn't it be like… pig shit?

Mark: You can't drink pig shit!

Derek: Why not?

Mark: _Simply _Swine flu.

Derek: Oh. Right… So where does water come from?

Mark: Dude. That's like sky shit.

Derek: Oh yeah. True. Is the sky an animal?

Mark: It could be, it shits.

Alex: We're out of beer.

_Pause. Beat._

Mark: Oh. Damn.

Derek: Oh. Damn.

Alex: Yeah. Damn.

_Pause. Beat._

Derek: So… what should we do about it?

Mark: We need some money.

Derek: Yeah. Money. Good plan.

Alex: We don't have any money.

Derek: Well that's why you work!

Mark: No… That's what banks are for.

Alex: But you have to have money already in them.

Mark: No you don't!

Alex: Yes you do!

Derek: I agree with Mark!

Alex: Damn.

Mark: Let's go ask the bank for money.

Derek and Alex: Okay!

_Pause. No one moves._

Mark: What if they won't give us any?

Derek: Why'd they do that? That's mean!

Mark: _Solemnly_ I know. But there are some very mean people in this world.

Alex: We're not like that are we?

_Mark and Derek shake their heads._

Mark: No. We always say please and thank you.

Derek: _agreeing _Always.

Mark: Even when people are being mean to us.

Derek: I agree.

Mark: Thank you.

Derek: You're welcome.

Alex: Aw. That was so polite!

Mark: See?

Alex: We are nice people.

Derek: We are.

Mark: Indeed.

Alex: We're out of beer.

Derek: Let's go to the bank.

_On the way to the bank:_

Derek: What if they're mean to us?

Mark: What?

Derek: Well, there are some bad people in the world, what if the bank people are one of them?

Mark: Good point.

Alex: I know! Let's bring a gun! _Runs off. Comes back with a riffle_

Mark: That's a big gun.

Alex: We're big people, we need something big to protect us.

Derek: I agree.

Alex: Thank you.

Derek: You're welcome.

_At the bank._

Alex: _with riffle _Can we have some money?

Mark: Please?

Alex: Please?

Derek: Please?

Clerk: Here! Don't shoot! _Shields self _

Alex: _takes the money _Why thank you!

Clerk: _Runs away_

Alex: What a rude man. Won't even say thank you.

Mark: Thank you Alex.

Alex: You're welcome Mark.

Derek: We're out of beer.

Alex: Let's go get some.

_Outside of the bank._

Officer: Did you guys just rob this bank?

Alex: Yes please.

Officer: You're under arrest for robbery.

Mark: Why thank you.

Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Derek: You're welcome.

_Back of the police truck._

Derek: What a pleasant guy.

Mark: I know right?

End of first episode. Haha.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Death to Smoochy is the best movie ever. Period.

**The One Where They Go to a Supermarket**

Alex: We're out of beer.

Derek: _groans _Dude! Don't say that! Remember what happened last time?

Mark: No.

Alex: _sighs_ We're out of beer.

Derek: It wasn't good. I woke up and this guy was peeing on my face.

Mark: That was at the zoo…

Derek: I've never been to the zoo. That was when we ran out of beer.

Mark: No… I'm pretty sure that was at the zoo… I remember because there were these bars and there were people staring at us.

Derek: There weren't any animals.

Mark: I'm pretty sure that was the zoo.

Derek: That was a jail cell.

Alex: We need more beer.

Derek: _Groans _Okay. Let's go get some.

Mark: Wait! Wait man! Why are we always drinking beer! We should be drinking wine! Wine! We should be classy!

Alex: Yeah man! And you can make wine!

Derek: How?

Alex: With grapes!

_They go to the supermarket._

Alex: We don't have any money.

Derek: You don't need money.

Alex: Yeah you do.

Derek: No you don't.

Alex: Yeah you do.

Derek: No you don't. Look. They're right there! You can just grab it!

Mark: That's against the law.

Derek: Not if you run fast enough.

Mark: Eh?

Derek: _I've_ never been arrested.

Mark: Okay. Let's do it.

_Derek runs for the grapes, and then runs back. _

Derek: Okay. Let's go.

_They make for the exit. They run through. _

Police: You there! Stop!

Derek: Oh no! It's the popo!

Police: You are under arrest for the felony of shoplifting, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.

Derek: Aw man.

_In the jail cell. The grapes sit in the middle._

Derek: Well… I guess it's just another day on Walden's Mountain.

Alex: Why aren't the grapes becoming wine?

Mark: Moo.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I've decided I'm in love with this story. Grey's Anatomy really should have been about a bunch of drunk doctors.

**The One Where They Steal an Ice Cream Cart:**

Alex: It's hot.

Derek: No it's not.

Mark: Dude, I need more beer.

Alex: Yes it is.

Derek: NO! It's not!

_Mark wanders off._

Alex: I can prove it! You have your shirt off! So you're hot!

Derek: No. I have my shirt off 'cause I'm sexy.

Alex: … Really? Then why don't I have my shirt off?

Derek: 'Cause you're not. _Waves his hands in the air and starts singing, 'I'm too sexy for my shirt…' etc._

_Mark returns with a surfboard._

Mark: It's hot.

Alex: _triumphantly. _Hah! See!

Derek: NO it isn't!

Alex: _confused _Isn't?

Mark: It's hot.

Derek: Fine… maybe a little.

Mark: It is.

Alex: Isn't doesn't rhyme with hot.

Mark: The water is cold.

Alex: I thought we were making a poem…

Derek: Sexy doesn't rhyme with hot dumbass.

Alex: …_confused…_ Well neither does dumbass!

_Mark wanders away again, with the surfboard, curious Derek follows. Alex follows Derek, arguing._

Alex: It is not isn't!

Mark: _muttering to himself._ Stand on the board. Let waves carry you…

Alex: _Seeing a man with a fan on the beach. _A fan!

Derek: Mark! Come back! There's sharks out there!

Mark: _Wipes out. _Damn! I can't balance!

Derek: _Runs out to Mark. _Mark! Mark! _Hugs him. _Thank god I thought you died!

Mark: _confused. _Why?

Derek: 'Cause there's sharks!

Mark: So…

Derek: Sharks bite.

Mark: No they don't… they carry babies!

Derek: Those are storks.

Mark: But doesn't everything that rhymes mean the same thing?

Derek: Those don't rhyme.

Mark: Oh.

Derek: Yeah. But that's true.

Mark: Oh.

_Short pause. Then._

Mark: Where's Alex?

_Meanwhile. Alex walks towards the man with the fan._

Alex: Can I have your fan?

Man: No!

Alex: Hey! That's not nice! I said please!

Man: No you didn't!

Alex: Oh… well then. _Stops short, his gaze is drawn by a majestic ice cream truck. Mumbles in a trance. _Cold…

_Mark spots Alex and runs and tackles him._

Mark: I got him!

Derek: What are you doing man! Get off of him!

_Mark gets off. Alex takes off running. Mark and Derek follow his gaze and their eyes widen. They both take off running too._

_Ten minutes later, Mark, Derek and Alex run in the opposite direction pushing the cart while police chase after them._

Alex: They wanna play tag!

Derek: _Shouting back at the cops. _You're it! You're it!

Mark: _Pushes the both of them while they sit on the cart._

_Half-an-hour later:_

Alex: _poking at the bars. _Aw man, we're here again.

Mark: I don't like this zoo.

Derek: It's not a zoo!

Mark: What is it then?

Derek: It's a space ship.

_-End Scene-_


End file.
